In Hot Water
Recently, I replaced my hot water heater. It was a long time coming, because I couldn’t decide which brand to buy. It took over a year, to be somewhat more precise. I couldn’t decide on a brand...
View ArticleDear Ms. Mafia — Cussin
Dear Ms. Mafia, Never in all my days have I come across such a string of 50 cent Yankee words as you throwed in this aritical. (click) The only one I knew was “coitus”, and that’s cause one time I was...
View ArticleA New Corporate Crisis: the PVP
I am an executive member of Costco. That’s right baby, executive, as in equipped to make weighty decisions, to execute plans, to enforce. I have the black card, not that wimpy white one. The door...
View ArticleWhat she’s REALLY saying . . .
The other night I was surfing the wild waves of the internet looking for . . . stuff, when I found what I believe to be a secret message: a cry for help, in fact. Okay, so Marisa Miller has … Continue...
View Article“Chore” rhymes with “bore”
I am one of the select: I get to interact with Becca on a regular basis. This is why I’m so careful not to reveal my physical address, because I know that if I were to do that, there would … Continue...
View ArticleWTF Friday #17
Real Products: LoN Reader John Snapped this photo yesterday. It is important to us that you avoid such things as Monkey Butt. With the monkey spanking epidemic, it could be really painful! You can...
View ArticleThis Summer Becca is 00-oh in “Skyball”
Recently, I went to see Skyfall, the latest James Bond film, and after I had left the movie, I had an epiphany: Becca is a secret agent. So I rushed home and wrote a script for her upcoming movie: …...
View ArticleThe Sins of Becca
You may not know it, but Becca is a walking confessional: it seems that no matter where she is, people feel compelled to tell her their secrets and unburden themselves. She engenders a kind of...
View ArticleA Little Help from My Friend
In light of my recent legal separation, I figured it was time to get back in the dating game. I should have suspected that 24 years of monogamy might have dulled my instincts a little, but how was I...
View ArticleHiscrimation
Not only must we refrain from pinching bottoms, or calling a girl "cupcake", but now we have to float through cyberspace as though it were a minefield.
View ArticleLove is a Drug
Once again, Becca asked me to write a Sunday post for her. After checking to make sure my brandy bottle was at least half full, I reluctantly agreed. One of the most brutal parts about writing a post...
View ArticleTalking Becca Down From the Delete Key
Other times I feel like a hostage negotiator, or perhaps a suicide counselor. Imagine this scene: the top of a skyscraper, late at night, a lone figure standing at the edge of the ledge, silhouetted...
View ArticleMultiple Offenses
Several months ago, I wrote a post for Becca about one of her deepest, darkest secrets: how she superglued a cabinet handle in the bathroom of a house she sold, and then failed to inform the buyers...
View ArticleSay What?
As you may or may not know, I’m re-entering the dating game after a quarter century hiatus. This may seem like a long time, but . . . oh hell, who am I kidding, it is a long time. But … Continue...
View ArticleWTF Friday #45
Real Products: Feeling unprepared for the imminent zombie apocalypse? Well, a company called Harcos Labs has got your back. For only $6.77, you can feast on zombie jerky. The company also sells...
View ArticleA Billion Dollar Idea
Perfect Guy will hear every little thing uttered by my future girlfriend, and he will remember it all.
View ArticleA Two-bit Idea
She didn’t just burst my bubble, she stiletto-stomped it. She exorcized my entrepreneurial spirit. She creamed my corn. She superglued my pie hole.
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